Well gamers christmas is over and it’s time to get painfully drunk and vomit! Please be safe, don’t drink and drive and break out your rythm games and Scene it and get to some massive partying. See you in the New Year for my full Gundam: Dynasty Warriors review!

Hey all,

  Just wanted to wish you all a great Holiday no matter what you celebrate and I hope there are many video games under the tree for you that will crush your soul and make you question why oh why do I do this. (While you secretly love each minute of it.)

  Ok so right now I am going back to finish Dynasty Warriors: Gundam after having played it quite a bit in the past. As a little background, I shamelessly love the Dynasty Warriors series and every spinoff and even my wife will play with me for endless hours of button mashing.

  See, the problem is almost a year ago I managed to delete all my saved games, and this was one of the games I managed to erase all my progress in. Now the main issue with this is the fact that the achievements were once again created by some sadistic, kitten-killing, mother-bashing prick who wants me to kill 100,000 baddies and complete 100 boards.

  For those of you who aren’t Dynasty warrior fans, my Avg kill count for a mission is about 600 and it can take anywhere from 10 to 30 mins to finish a full level. I also need to beat the bonus mode with every character. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

  Achievements should not be based around making you play the game for endless hours, as I’ve said before. Games are, unlike sex, not fun the more you do the same thing over and over again. In fact the more you do the same thing in a game the more it begins to hurt. Someday I will find a way to make all the people who come up with these ideas pay……

  So as of this writing I have just finished getting 1k points in both Fallout 3 and Cars. Yes, I am willing to shamelessly use children’s games to boost my score, though in this case I nearly paid for it with my sanity. (Cue flashbacks of hours playing Open Season…*shudders*)

  Firstly I want to say that, unequivocally and without a doubt Fallout 3 is one of the best games I have played in the past 10 or so years. It’s Oblivion without all the same sword and sorcery bullshit that I have been playing since my father winked at my mother and she thought he might not suck. It is a game in which not only do we have the moral flavor of the month club, but things ACTUALLY change depending on what you do. Towns are wiped off the face of the post-apocalyptic planet or become more important to you depending on your choices. Still, how hard is it in this day and age to write a game with just one extra ending in it?  I mean an honest-to-god real, no fakes, no whammies, different ending that depends on the choices you made. I know somewhere out there I have played a game that had more than one ending. Maybe even two.

Aside from that, I think it has one of the most interesting combat systems I have seen in a long time and on top of that, I never felt that I was playing just for the sake of playing…. But that being said, here is why I want to sterilize the developers:

  They took one of the best games I have ever seen and tried to make you play it more than once -  not for the sheer enjoyment of the game (which I would have done) but no… they tried to make me by giving me achievements to fulfill for EVERY FREAKING MORAL PATH. The only crappy time I had was making sure I didn’t level past one of the achievement marks without first saving my game, then reloading and making the damn level AGAIN for each path. I can only hope that every time they think about using this whorebag of an idea again in the future, a monkey leaps out of a nearby closet and rapes them so they snap out if it and help us, the people they are actually making the game for, avoid unnecessary monotony throughout a long, long game. 

  Now what could this possibly have to do with Cars do you ask? Here is a cute little racing game, modeled after a Pixar movie that is both funny and had great amounts of charm. So what do they do?  They remove all the clever and funny and replay a few songs and clips from the movie till you are vomiting so hard it is spraying from your nostrils. And that’s really all you have to look forward to as you proceed through the next 10ish hours (give or take with your trips to empty your bucket-o-vomit).

  But even if you were smart enough to turn the sound off (admit it, you other achievement-whores out there, it didn’t occur to you to do it until an hour before you finished the game), once again the lords of achievement-making decided to hide 20 postcards in the three sectons of a kid’s game in places that no child would ever think of going. It made me want to punch a baby, how’s a kid going to deal? They hid them so well, in fact, that I had to search for a youtube video of someone else getting them, then watch it and mimic what they were doing. I never thought a game targetted for kids would make me want to smash my TV into small bits and force feed the jagged parts to an innocent bystander.

So in the end, all I can conclude is that I seriously think that the achievements for games are planned by cannabalistic clowns. You’ll never convince me otherwise.

http://www.drhorrible.com/

Go there immediatley and watch it before everyone laughs at you on Monday because you don’t know what they are talking about. Thanks to Penny-Arcade for the headss up on this one.

Ark

Ok first thing to get off my chest, FF13 is coming to Xbox…. ahem…

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA

Now granted I bought both consoles because I am that hardcore, but damn that is some funny stuff. The number one exclusive title for PS3 just got PWNED. It makes me a little happy in the pants I cannot tell a lie, I did cry a little because that is what real men do.

So anyway, here I am watching the E3 games and all I can say is when did devolpers finally figure out that CO-OP owns your face? I mean almost every game nowadays is co-op and it is really making me so happy I could almost stop hating game devolpers for like 10-15 minutes.

I have a much longer thing I am writing for my first real post which will be my overall review of E3 but I had to share those couple thoughts. More to come!!

Also a quick sidebar the chances of me playing DOAX after Rook’s glowing reviews are probably between negative 50 and 0 with a chance that hell may freeze over first. That being said I know one day I will look at his stupid Gamer points and be so angry that I will go and get that horrid game anbd play it just so I don’t have to hear his inane bragging about how cool that 1k looks in his scorecard. I hate you so much Rook…

So it seems we are semi live, Going to be talking to Rook tonight about site work and such and hopefully the ranting can begin soon!

On a side note what is it with the pompous programming types and their need to be recognized as full of the awesome and win? Just because you are socially deficient enough to wrap your head around programming doesn’t mean the rest of us need to be dutifully impressed.

PS-Screw the world

Ark